Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Somatics, Soulcraft, and Bullying

I wonder about the somatic effects of depression. My stomach is gurgling and I have felt exhausted.... but I can't bring myself to walk up the stairs to bed. I'm trying to eat well but it doesn't seem to affect my energy.

I had a great meeting today about a training program I want to develop, and it was incredible to be in this group of 6 people who share my vision for the creation of this training. It was my idea, but before, I felt that I was going at it alone. To be in a meeting with other people who share my vision was so incredible. My gratitude brought me to tears.... and I really didn't want to be crying in front of this group (that social anxiety thing.... ugh!). But seriously, I have a ton of faith that this training is going to happen.

Had lunch with a new friend today who suggested that I work with bullied girls in my practice. I've been working with adults and I love it but.... Wow. He said that my triggering is where my greatest healing is going to occur, but also it is where my greatest offering is. Does that make sense? I am intrigued. Sure, my "wounded child" that I'm working with in my study of Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin was born out of bullying I endured as a child. And, I recognize when I'm acting out of that (hmm.... like this intense fear of being around groups of people that I dont know). So. If I were to work with bullying interventions, the way I would want to do it is to get the bully and the victim together, face to face, and facilitate conversations between them.... Because out of understanding comes respect of one another. I have no idea how I would facilitate that. But, it's something I wish had happened for me as a child. There was even an opportunity to facilitate that conversation. In 5th grade I was seeing a therapist and I proceeded into group therapy with a few other kids. How crazy was it that my bully happened to be in this group..... How could a safe space for healing be formed when my bully who had tormented me all year was there? As far as I remember, my therapist NEVER ONCE brought up the torment I had endured at school. I wonder what healing could have occurred then if my therapist had the courage to make us talk about it? Maybe allow us to get to know each other in a different context than school? I don't know. But I've been thinking about that missed opportunity a lot as I actively work through healing that wounded part of me now as a 30something woman.

I'm totally writing in a stream of consciousness. No idea if anyone is reading this but I really don't care that much either.... I want to write. I want to see what it's like to get my thoughts on paper (or the computer as it may be). Maybe someone will read this. Maybe it will be just for myself. It doesn't really matter. I'll just write anyway.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Okay, So it's been suggested that I should start a blog, but I wanted to wait until I felt witty and deep to start it.... But, I figured until that happens I'll just start with what I've got.

I don't know where I should start though! I have had a pretty emotionally tough few months and have some crazy social anxiety brewing, so I've been sitting at home alone WAY too much.... waiting for the phone to ring is not a good way to market for my new business or make some new friends....

It all started with a Tom Brown philosophy course. In my little group of 5 I ended up pissing one of the people off by... talking too much? She said I had been talking nonstop and not allowing anyone else's voice to be heard. Which is funny because I am always so careful (neurotically so) to talk just enough, not too much, to not always be first, to not always be last, to always offer just enough but not too much. And still, even with this neurotic attention to the way I interacted, I still managed to piss someone off.

Anyway, since that time I've been struggling with being in groups of people I don't know.... so much that I have to force myself to leave my house. I sit at home and play video games, try to e-mail people to plan going out for coffee or skiing or a hike or ANYTHING..... And then I feel sorry for myself when people don't write back.

Depression is a funny thing. It's a spiral that's so hard to get out of once I get caught there. I joined a choir, started taking cello lessons, joined a study group to explore the work of Bill Plotkin (Soulcraft), and attended some networking events. Even with that I still haven't managed to bring myself out of that spiral.

So, I'll just start an anonymous blog and maybe if I come up with something witty and thought provoking to say, I'll make a public one. Maybe linked to my business. Who knows.

It's spring and I really want to get out and.... start following rivers. Time to go kayak, canoe, tube, whatever. I want to be on the water. Maybe that will get me out of this funk.

Welcome to my blog, I promise it won't always be this depressing!